Merry Fucking Xmas!

Are you doing anything for xmas apart from playing ricky ponting cricket?
I'm not.
But that's ok! And at least Tim is likewise on his own playing WoW; makes me feel like less of a loser! It always helps to know there are those out there who are lamer and less loved than yourself.
Anywho, I'm actually in the best mood EVER... and I just weirded myself out completely and will now STOP writing a fucking DIARY entry on my website... what in the fuck was THAT about...?

So for christmas Oscar and I took a drive to the beach. It was awesome; Oscar ignored me and played with people who don't like dogs, and who got angry at me and no longer like ME either, also he chased some dogs who belonged to people who didn't like MY dog, and generally had a great time! Did I mention that he rolled in and licked almost every disgusting thing he could find? No? Well... he did.

And in perfect Xmas traditional spirit, cops hooned up and down Grand Junction Rd, on the prowl, hunting for cars to defect. As I drove I saw 3 late model nissan turbos (turbo's?) pulled over. Merry Xmas, we hate you. Thanks SAPol; I can feel the love from here.
Love like a haemorrhoid.
Which is an interesting metaphor since the cops were essentially FUCKING IN THE ASS any teenage sports car enthusiasts they could find. Terrific.
The coolest part was the way Oscar insisted upon sitting up to look around EVERY TIME WE SAW A COP! But I didn't get pulled over; I think the cops were having WAY too much fun reaming the probably-defectable.
So Merry Fucking Xmas, fuckbags! It's now time to get drunk on my own and play Ricky Ponting Cricket, also known as Brian "Cotton-picking-nigger" Lara international cricket, or just Brian Lara International Cotton Picking.
Hooray for freedom of speech laws which allow me to say such racist and horrible things. May we never be without them.
GO TERRORISM!

25 Life Changing Wisdoms

Over the last week or so, I have learned many life lessons.

Beardo McBeardface (I have altered his name so that no one can tell who I am talking about... *ahem*) has, as of yesterday, become 'permanently attatched' to his woman. Some call it 'marriage', some call it 'siamese-twinism'. Ok no one calls it that, I just made it up because I'm still a bit drunk...

Anyway...

This major event in my friends' lives has shown me many important, and life changing things. So I thought I'd share these wisdoms with all of you, in the belief that it'll change and improve all of your lives, as they have mine.

So here they are - the 25 life changing wisdoms I have learned over the last week.

One: Girls with glasses and skimpy cop outfits are HOT.

Two: If a girl in a skimpy cop outfit approaches you and invites you to join her party, you don't spit the words "Are YOU actually inviting US to join YOUR PARTY?" because it sounds like "I wouldn't join YOUR party if it was the LAST PARTY ON EARTH!" and she will leave.

Three: If a female friend of yours is picked up against her will and you accidentally see her ass, feel free to tell her that you saw it. Perhaps even rub it in a little for your own amusement. She won't mind so much - she'll be too busy being embarrassed about it happening.

Four: If a girl is drunk and horny and she starts having pictures taken of her with complete strangers who are equally drunk and horny, she will inevitably begin taking off items of clothing.

Five: This will be awesome.

Six: If your car is used as the wedding car, it will become piled full of presents and you will have to leave it at the bride and groom's house.

Seven: Weddings tend to have a bar tab.

Eight: Bar tabs are the greatest thing known to man.

Nine: Ever.

Ten: Seriously. Free drinks. That's awesome.

Eleven: Bar men who know you and decide it's funny to make you incredibly strong cocktails which you aren't paying for are awesome.

Twelve: Seriously. Bar tabs.

13: Hot cops. Awesome.

14: If you decide not to plan what will happen AFTER you are all incredibly drunk, you will end up going and finding the drunkest people you know, and then you will NEVER DRINK AGAIN!

15: I really can't mention it too much. Bar tabs.

16: If you jump out of a plane with a parachute on, it will give you a frontal wedgie, and you will have very sore balls.

17: If you make it really obvious to a girl that you like her in a romantic fashion, she will make it clear whether or not she returns this feeling, and that will be awesome.

18: Unless she doesn't, but that's ok too because at least you've finished making a fool of yourself.

19: Being me is awesome sometimes.

20: Being me is balls sometimes.

21: Never ever mention to a girl that you are trying to ask another girl out in a text message, because you will inevitably be assaulted with tips and advice from EVERY GIRL THAT HEARS ABOUT IT, and you will end up exchanging numbers with someone called "Melissa the Kisser" who will want to know everything about how your date with other girl winds up.

22: This will be awesome.

23: If you get to number 23 of your life lessons post, you will still have more great stuff to post but you will have become bored and not want to bother anymore.

24: You will, however, feel compelled to add just one last time, that bar tabs are awesome.

25: And hot cops.

Ahead by a century...

First thing, we climb a tree
and maybe then we talk
Or sit silently
and listen to our thoughts
With illusions of someday
casting a golden light
No dress rehearsal,
this is our life

That's when the hornet stung me
and I had a feverish dream
With revenge and doubt
tonight we smoke them out

You are ahead by a century

Stare in the morning shroud
and then the day began
I tilted your cloud,
you tilted my hand
Rain falls in real time
and rain fell through the night
No dress rehearsal,
this is our life

That's when the hornet stung me
and I had a serious dream
With revenge and doubt
tonight, we smoke them out

You are ahead by a century

...and disappointing you is getting me down

Feeling kinda down, but glad I didn't drink alone tonight...

I spend my time worrying. I think other people can't stand me for a long period of time.
I don't think I can ever succeed in being nice enough to someone that I'll feel like I'm a 'nice guy'. Even if I put myself out 100% and let people walk all over me, never say a thing, I'll be upset with myself because maybe I was mad about it. Maybe I yelled at my wall, swore at my dog, punched my pillow.
I think I'm very caring, very giving, very empathetic. Is that even a word? *checks* Ok. It is. I could also have written empathic.
But I think I take this too far.In every single situation (given a conflict or not!) I find myself thinking over and over what I did, analysing, evaluating, looking from every perspective. Was what I did ok? Did what I say hurt someone? Did I have any right to be upset? Am I a horrible person for being so drunk and acting like such an idiot?
And then there's even the present continuous analysis: Am I boring this person to death?
And this never, ever seems to go away. It's clearly a problem with my brain, because it's always been there. Obviously, I'm insanely paranoid and insecure.
But this kind of self analysis, theoretically, could be a good thing, because it makes me want to be nice to people, and it should help me to be a better person, but in reality I think it sets an impossible standard of behaviour, and when I inevitably fail, I then suffer the anguish and anxiety that comes.
Then people mock me, parody me, and I feel like a caricature of myself. I feel like it's not enough that I'm not nice enough, but everyone is laughing at me 'trying to be human'. I'm a freak, and it amuses people to watch me try to fit in.
Sometimes I wish I was just oblivious...

What, no response to that?!

Ahh you know I'm right.

Anywho...

..and I just felt the need to say...

GIRLS ARE FUCKING CRAZY!

So I put some more lyrics, because I liked them. Because I can. I do what I want.

38 Years Old - The Tragically Hip

Twelve men broke loose in Seventy-Three
From Millhaven maximum security
Twelve pictures lined up, across the front page
Seems the Mounties had a summertime war to wage
The chief told the people they had nothing to fear
Said, "The last thing they wanna do is stick around here"
They mostly came from towns with long French names
But one of the dozen was a hometown shame.

Same pattern on the table
Same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty,
eighteen years in all
Freezing slow time,
away from the world
He's 38 years old,
never kissed a girl

We were sitting round the table,
heard the telephone ring
Father said he tell em if he saw anything
Heard the tap on my window
in the middle of the night
Held back the curtain for my older brother Mike
See my sister got raped, so a man got killed
Local boy went to prison, man's buried on the hill
Folks went back to normal when they closed the case
But they still stare at their shoes when they pass our place
My mother cried, "The horror has finally ceased"
He whispered,"Yea for the time being at least"
Over her shoulder, on the squad car megaphone
Said,"Let's go Michael, son, we're taking you home."