Merry Xmas

Well, it's that time of the year again; post-xmas.

Yes, the presents have been unwrapped, the tree not yet packed away, and santa's only just got home and is right now climbing into his toasty warm bed with a cup of cocoa and a cookie.

It's that time of the year that you start to evaluate what you've been doing the last 12 months, and even for all the years previous.

In 2007 I came a hell of a long way.

I set out with a goal of becoming a public servant. And I have achieved that goal.

I now work full time for the Australian government.

It pays ok, and the opportunities are endless. Not to mention the fact that working for the government means my resume looks damn impressive.

I'm now being paid Around $15000 more per annum than I was this time last year, and that was at the 2nd best job I've ever had.

I started thinking tonight about maths. And not just my increase in income.

My dad wanted me to be an engineer.

The thing is, I know I could have done it. And I think if I had, I would be very happy with myself about the fact. Very satisfied.

But satisfaction seems to come in different shapes and sizes, and I've gotta say, I've never been as happy as I am these days.

Life is good. I have a loving wife to be, two loving children, a family I enjoy spending time with and comfortable income.

If we get a bit lucky and we work really hard, we may be in our own home by this time next year.

I can hardly wait!

But somewhere inside there's this little voice that says 'You're behind.'

I have a good job and I'm sitting fairly well, but I'm doing something anyone could be doing; answering the phone.

It's boring, and repetetive, but they treat me with respect and the pay is enough. I just think that I threw away a lot of opportunities through fear, self-doubt and laziness.

I know I know, no one cares about all that. No one really wants to listen to me ramble on about myself and indulge my whim for self expression.

Too bad.

I guess the thing that I'm thinking right now is that, now that I'm here, I plan to work as hard as I worked this year to get somewhere better.

Maybe I wasted my time and money by going to university.

The thing was, it was easy. It was further delay on making a decision.

And I always felt that going to university is what you do.

I asked my dad once why he had kids and he replied that he thought it was what you did.

I guess that's exactly why I went to uni. I don't really have another reason.

It's strange that, if I knew then what I know now, I'd do things a lot differently. But I didn't. From a kid's perspective things are always a big deal and always easy and always hard and always pointless.

And from an adult's perspective it's much the same, only you are more empowered.

I'm tired. I'm rambling.

One thing that I find difficult is doing what I want to do, because I rarely do.

I tend to do what other people are doing because they are doing it.

I never studied what I thought I'd like to because... well, I don't know if it ever occured to me.

I hated school and I guess it was a bit like choosing the black knife or the grey one for a big fat guy to stab you with..

I guess I'm more cynical now but I certainly wouldn't take things so seriously again, and I wouldn't put such little effort in.

Weird.

I think I'm a very strange person.

This was a good year. I'd say it's been the best of my life so far.

Come on 2008.

I'm gonna kick this one's arse!

:-)