The story of Cuntarse, the band

The dream to start Cuntarse came, as most truly good ideas do, when we were drunk. The details are kinda hazy in my memory but I remember my brother, the self-confessed angry man who sits across from me, gulping down jack daniel’s (excuse the product placement) while I dictate this story to you, and I were listening to Anal Cunt and laughing our arses off. How ‘in your face’ and confrontational these lyrics were. It was genius, we both freely acknowledged at the time, although I may be the only one of us who still holds this belief.
But there we sat, drinking and laughing and pretending we weren’t thinking sad and angry thoughts about the awful women who had done us wrong most recently, and the idea seemed to strike us both simultaneously: we need to start a band like this! An ASSHOLE band! It must be as rude, as offensive, and as close in style, theme, genre and even NAME as possible to our heroes: Anal Cunt.
My first suggestion for a name was “cunt anal”, and aaron’s answer was blah. But a friend of mine was, at the time, going through a phase where he loved experimenting with terribly inappropriate and yet thouroughly ‘Australian’ expressions such as “foaming at the gash” and “cuntarse”. It occurred to me that this was the perfect name for the band and everyone agreed. Everyone being Aaron.
Perhaps he never actually agreed, but as I said, the details are kinda hazy.
So we had two things: an idea, and now a name!
From there it was only a case of the easy parts. Ya know: writing music, organizing a band, practice, advertising, equiptment, gigs…
Yeah. We were in serious denial.
Or at least, I was. I think aaron’s incessant defeatism remained stoically steadfast on the idea of our success: nothing ever happens, everything sucks.
Anyways… a week later, I had written our first song: The Cuntarse Anthem. I forget the words now, but I remember it was 2 chords, and the gist of the lyrics was essentially: we suck and so do you.
It was exactly what we were looking for, and we were both pretty happy with it. We did, however, never perform it. I remember I played it to Aaron, whose enthusiasm was mild at best, and that was it. It was never played again.
Until..
Yeah nah I just threw that in for effect. It was never played again.
The whole concept of the band was then discarded, hidden in a closet along with so many other failed ideas, and every last one of my boyhood hopes and dreams.


It was nearly 6 months later that the idea came back out of the closet of lost causes, covered in metaphorical cobwebs and bull dust. We had become well acquainted with a very strange, yet highly intelligent individual. A side note here being that, in my experience all intelligent people come across as strange. I think this perhaps has something to do with society not really allowing for individual thought, but I digress. We had become well acquainted with a young man by the name of Darryl, aka Freddie.
Freddie was a candidate for Aaron’s previously unchallenged title of “World’s Angriest Man!” (Exclamation mark included, as the similar title without it is actually trademarked by Hollywood.) He was antisocial, quick witted, and in other words, he was just like us, only cuter.
When he heard about the concept of cuntarse, (we were drunk one night…) he became incredibly enthusiastic. He felt the band would be a perfect vent for his anger and frustration at the world, and at the awful girl who had done him over most recently, and he began writing lyrics that very night.
Unfortunately, Freddie was a poetic and talented man, and he seemed not to have grasped the very bones and indeed most important element of the band – it had to suck in every aspect and sense possible.
Freddie’s eloquently worded rants upon the world were hilarious. Just reading his dry witted satire of malls, blondes, and people who drive cars was enough to raise tears of laughter from all of us. But that was just the problem – they were GOOD!
We couldn’t have constructive criticism in a band whose very theology was that we were the most awful thing in existence. At least, that’s what I thought, and so we descended into bitter disagreement, until yet again the idea of Cuntarse was canned.
It seemed we were over before we’d ever begun.
And we were.